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The turmoil of Twinkie twilight

Social Chaos: Bill's Briefs

Gay San Diego - LGBT WEEKLY NEWS

As all my friends know, I am a martyr to my diet with ceaseless determination to lose 25 pounds. Recently I was shaken to the core by a drastic turn of events – the Hostess Corp. has filed bankruptcy proceedings.

Never a food junkie, I have on rare occasions taken comfort from a Twinkie or, when under extreme stress, a Ding Dong.

Now what am I to do? Have the moguls in their ivory powder sugar towers with their tax free millions no compassion for the little people? Curse them!

I do not write political articles, but attention must be paid to the thousands, nay millions, of people dependent on that chemically enhanced, artificially sweetened fluff filled with pseudo cream and held together by its synthetic yellow dyed sponge. A masterpiece.

Suzy Qs can sustain me for a short time, but I NEED MY TWINKIES. Going cold turkey didn’t work for me nor did the Internet’s $400 Twinkie addiction 12-step program; a great system by the way; 12 meditative steps including eating unlimited Twinkies. Truth to tell, the results were less than I’d hoped. They claim I was not pronouncing my mantra correctly, but for another $400 I can get personal corrective lessons. Maybe. I hesitate about the money, but after all, it is for my health.

We of a certain age are constantly aware of our various conditions. Conversations are a series of one-upmanship tales as to who had the worst operation or most incompetent doctor.

Hearing such stories one must remember they are often exaggerated and everyone is different. If we have any doubts about the doctor mentioned or any part of our health situation, we shouldn’t be shy about getting a second opinion or different doctor, but we must rely on our doctors’ opinions first and trust the veracity of our chat group pals second.

I will follow my own advice and enroll in a new program. It promises fabulous weight and wrinkle loss with a “Magik-crème,” a “Magik-masque” and monthly phone consultations with their professional beauty experts. The first week is FREE. Then a monthly payment of $50 and some extras which I couldn’t quite read due to the small print, but the photos were amazing.

If I fail, it is Hostess’ fault! I’ve bought up Ralphs Twinkie supply just in case.

Twinkie fun facts

• Twinkies were invented in 1930

• Twinkies were first sold in packs of two for 5 cents

• 500 million Twinkies are baked every year

• Twinkies are made from 39 ingredients

• The shelf life of a Twinkie is 25 days

• Hostess introduced Twinkie the Kid in 1947

• Chicago is the “Twinkie Capital of the World”

• The White House put a Twinkie in their time capsule for the new millennium

With thanks to neatorama.com.



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Posted by LGBT Weekly on Apr 12, 2012. Filed under Bill's Briefs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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