A brief three hundredBill's Briefs, Latest Issue Thursday, March 16th, 2017
Social Chaos: Bill's Briefs
Does time fly when you’re having fun? It does, and I am as I write this 300th Brief. I try to mix humor with serious suggestions while fitting all into my template of 14 1/2 lines. In the first year with more space, it was easier to write on profound, serious topics like “Mine Is Bigger Than Yours” and “Chastity: Handling It Yourself.” Now I just write anything with no space restraints and then cut and cut. This, of course, has deprived you of fabulous stories, weighty advice and, needless to say (but I will), the naughtiest of punch lines; all because the set-up took up too many lines.
My target audiences are the 50-65 year old younger set and, my bunch, the seriously senior 66 and up. They understand the names and topics I reference. Naturally I welcome the youngsters 30-50 who probably get many points, but sadly, the children under 30 have no concept of our lives and generally ignore us.
I write only peripherally for them. If they are puzzled by something, I hope they will skip google and ask a senior who was actually there. This will forge a link between them and us (An “us” they will join sooner than they think).
I thank LGBT Weekly for including a senior voice. Most of the similarly focused press pretty well ignores us as it concentrates on our community’s world and local news and the K family. We had Louella, Hedda, “Confidential,” “Photoplay,” etc. to keep us up to date. With our three TV networks, we survived without Twitter and Facebook.
If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing. I welcome comments, suggestions and topics sent care of the magazine, but, please, no current politics. With only 14 1/2 lines, forget it.
I was having lunch, minding my own business, when this little snit at the next table made a great show of taking out her phone and with a sneer at me (I swear!) proceeded to show me how to text War and Peace in an hour.
Her thumbs tapped away like Fred Astaire while casting the old geezer (me) a superior glance. Well! Challenge accepted, bitch! I casually produced my iPhone 4 and, after angling it so I could flail away hitting any key with any finger as long as it gave a convincing impression, I banged away with demonic fury.
Pointedly ignoring the challenge and competition, she increased her pace. Equally pointedly ignoring the non-contest, my key-board was a blur as I double dared by pretending to talk to someone at the same time (Is that possible?). I thought our machines were going to heat up and melt.
On we went, neither of us acknowledging the other’s existence. Our not-happening duel continued until finally conceding defeat, she pretended an appointment and slunk away. Triumphant, with knuckles athrob, I retired my machine to its man-bag home. The gibberish I had typed sent poor Siri to the edge of mental breakdown.
All this caused me to get serious, again, about texting. It’s a never ending problem; when I touch the key, I get several letters, usually all wrong. And a photo will snap at least five times. I have made a little progress recently with those pencil things with a soft end to jab the keys with. Slowly poking away, I’ve had a modicum of success.
Unfortunately, they can be used only two or three times. They vanish. Ask anyone. They simply vanish. If this continues, I shall have to purchase them by the gross.
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