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The swaddle master!

Social Chaos: Bill's Briefs


Clearly I have too much time on my hands. Today, for example, I’ve been hounded by the word “swaddling.” You know, as in clothes, from our bible readings (or not). With my usual will power of steel, I have foresworn the dictionary and have instead played all day with the variations and possible meanings of: I swaddled him. Have you ever been swaddled? He got swaddled. Swaddle me, Daddy. Etc.

My imagination drifted to my friend’s basement sex cell/chamber/boudoir where (I’ve heard) a few intimates gather on occasion for discussions, demonstrations and what-not. This led to musings about adult shops and whether one might purchase therein toys for swaddling, swaddle creams and ointments, a pillow suggesting “Put a little swaddle in your life” or a book “Basic Swaddling.”

There is no end to the possibilities. For a giggle, one could ask, with a straight face, for the latest swaddling equipment. When regrets are expressed, ask them to check their computer to find a swaddling supplier.

Here’s another fun idea for your girl/boyfriend. Give them a good send-off hug and in their ear whisper a husky, “Come back early today ‘cause I’m gonna swaddle you. Swaddle you good!” Before they can reply, shove them out the door. Imagination and anticipation will have them hot to trot (as we used to say) when they return home. You have the rest of the day to figure out your interpretation of swaddling. I suggest staying with their favorite activity and then doing it backwards, upside down, or blindfolded with a feather.

Be creative. Your main problem, in case you forgot, is going to be finding a manger (whatever that is).

Agatha, Phoebe. Where are you?

I am not against the barrage of unconventional names the parents of today are giving their offspring. However, I often don’t know how to pronounce them and get annoyed if people get huffy when I ask. Why don’t they just tell everyone as they are introduced? After all, they’ve been questioned about it since the first day of kindergarten. Get used to it already!

Then there are the spelling abnormalities/ abominations for some old favorites: Alys, Mayree, Filup, Sinthiya, etc. The cuteness escapes me. Instead, it implies the parents had trouble getting beyond third grade. I also think it is unfair to brand the kids with the likes of Pink, Wolf, Blue, Wiz and Loony which are guaranteed to generate ridicule and teasing. No problem as nicknames, but later, such labels will present a challenge on a business card or job application.

Recently, biblical names are favorites along with those of the current acting and singing idols. Seniors remember being surrounded by Debbies with their ponytails. Sadly the popularity of C/Kaitlin has reportedly dropped precipitously this past year.

I am toying with the idea of encouraging my breeding relatives to return to the common names we grew up with. What’s wrong with Agatha, Dora, Mildred, Phoebe and Bertha? What’s more manly than Mortimer, Horace, Elihu and Roland? These examples are timeless as well as being clear and sexually specific. Jan, Alex or Carol may be perfectly proper names, but are inherently open to confusion. Maybe, with so many points to ponder, it’d be simpler to accept the parent’s decision and let the kids choose their own name, like religion, when they are older.

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Posted by on Jun 8, 2017. Filed under Bill's Briefs, Latest Issue. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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