Madeleine Stowe and Emily VanCamp in Revenge

Ladies and gentlemen, because there were a plethora of strong women introduced this TV season and we love them; I thought we’d see which ones were million dollar babies and others who could stand a little more fancy footwork by pitting them against one another.

Let’s get ready to rumble, OK?

Of course, this being a girl fight the no hitting below the belt rule is still applicable, but not to me, naturally.

Round 1: New Girl vs. 2 Broke Girls

Zooey Deschanel’s Jess “Nightmare” Day is taking on both Kat Dennings’ Max “Sassy and Sturdy” Black and Beth Behrs’ Caroline “Goodbye Dolly” Channing.

Hmm, that name sounds vaguely familiar, cough, cough Carol Channing.

These small-screen girls are kicking it old school with a roller derby clash and it looks like Deschanel is unaware of a two-fold steamroller move coming her way; as she is trying to bedazzle her skates for a whimsical effect.

At the last second, she points her skates toward the disco ball affixed in the middle of the rink, thus blinding Behrs and sending her upper crust down-on-her-luck character over the railing.

This infuriates Dennings, who keeps losing focus whenever she rounds the track and sees the snack bar.

In fact, she doesn’t notice that Deschanel has pulled out her trusty guitar and positions it to give the ultimate smack down, which is not her only secret weapon.

From out of nowhere her co-star, the show’s unofficial other girl Schmidt (Max Greenfield), who’s sporting his character’s kimono, leaps out of the crowd, over the railing and pushes Dennings into the guitar.

This sends her careening into Behrs, who has a broken arm. Dennings notices a bone protruding from her co-star and mistakes it for a snack bar churro and hungrily lunges for the blonde Paris Hilton-esque actress.

Suddenly, Greenfield rips his kimono, exposing his tight body for no apparent reason, but he receives a standing o from his gay fan base.

Deschanel takes a victory lap, with a reworking of the show’s theme song, “Hey Girl, whatcha doin’…kicking your asses, beeyatches!”

Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs in 2 Broke Girls

Round 2: Revenge’s Madeleine Stowe and Emily VanCamp

Since Revenge evokes past nighttime soap opera endeavors, such as Dynasty, the actresses agree to a tussle in a pond. I thought that cats didn’t like water, guess it doesn’t matter when there’s a catfight involved, and the claws come out before the splash down even takes place.

Stowe’s Victoria Grayson is a brunette and bitchy as all get out, a la Alexis Colby (Joan Collins), she “allows” VanCamp to serve as goody goody blonde Krystle Carrington (Linda Evans) and this doesn’t sit well for the former Brothers & Sisters star.

She hauls off with a bitch slap so powerful; it makes Stowe lose her balance and fall face first into the water. Meouch!

“How dare you ruin my recent trip to the “dentist”? Stowe shrieks in Hollywood speak for getting Botox.

“Oh yeah, I was born in 1986, four years before you starred in a movie called Revenge with Kevin Costner – way to branch out!” VanCamp retorts.

This further infuriates Stowe inside, but on the outside her face is a blank canvas, also courtesy of her “teeth cleaning.” VanCamp takes the opportunity to show off her character’s kick boxing prowess, jumping feet first into the pond, striking Stowe with a brutal blow to the mouth.

Despite the fact that she’s screaming through the pain of losing all her teeth in that fail swoop; she leaps at VanCamp with a mother lion’s roar and holds her onscreen nemesis underwater. She mutters, “It’s my show, that’s why I get top billing!”

Upon exiting the pond, her agent begins looking up real teeth doctors, as Emily’s fate remains unknown until next season, much like the awesome season finale cliffhanger of Revenge.

Round 3: Kristin Chenoweth, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings

Seeing as GCB, Ringer, Are You There, Chelsea and Whitney did not survive the cancellation axe; its very attractive stars: Kristen Chenoweth, SMG, Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings were invited to partake in a Jell-O wrasslin match.

Since Gellar recently announced her second child with Freddy Prinze Jr. – hope it’s not twins, gurl – she sends in Barbara Sanchez, who plays the back of her head in scenes not involving a green screen.

Unfazed by this last minute change in lineup, tiny spitfire Chenoweth tackles her right off, body slamming her repeatedly in the back of her head, effectively ruining her career in Hollywood.

Little C sets her sights on Whitney Cummings for being unkind to her backstage when she was a guest on Handler’s Chelsea Lately, and Big C was a panelist. No, I am not insinuating that either one is of the see you next Tuesday variety with their C statures.

The cast of New Girl

Meanwhile, Handler is putting a verbal beat down on Laura Prepon for not portraying her very well on the failed mid-season NBC comedy, which sends the That ’70s Show thespian into the designated shame circle; while Handler points and laughs at her.

What is no laughing matter is the world of hurt Chenoweth is putting on Cummings by pulling out her hair in clumps, exhausted and crying – just like when her show got reviewed during the fall – she slips on a pineapple chunk stuck to her foot and knocks herself unconscious in the delicious lime-flavored battleground.

Then its Handler and Chenoweth in a peroxide-blonde-on-blonde match of the non-network stars, even though ole Chelsea is on E! and that doesn’t really count.

As Chenoweth draws ever nearer, she realizes that she is both outnumbered in the height and biting humor department; she steps on Cummings and steps out of the plastic kiddie pool, while Handler sits in the corner counting her money, because she always beats on herself.

Whitney Houston

There are some recording artists that are intertwined with the coming out process and beyond, forever encased in a piece of memory amber to be looked at under the light of remembrance, intrinsically using the spotlight of said musician to illuminate what they meant on a personal level over the years.

For me, during the ’80s it was Madonna, Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, all on heavy rotation on MTV. You know when they actually played music videos by people with actual talent, and not a bunch of drunk, belligerent and horny Jersey Shore vacationers that make obscene amounts of money to be, well, drunk, belligerent and horny.

But I digress.

Our relationship fluctuated more than Jennifer Hudson’s weight over the years – by the by, she did a very good rendition of “I Will Always Love You” at The Grammys, but Amber Riley’s on Glee two days later blew that out of the water.

How will I know about the greatest love of all

I first became aware of the awe-inspiring vocals of Whit Whit on her 1985 single, “Saving All My Love For You,” a song that perfectly encapsulated what passed as my first “relationship” with a fella who was 10 years my senior, but was not a senior citizen, as I was just 16. I was easy, but not cheap, OK?

He was what you might call another ’80s song, one “Part Time Lover” by Stevie Wonder, since we had weekend rendezvous and those few stolen moments were all that we shared, as he had a girlfriend and when she wasn’t there, I was more than happy to take up a musical instrument. No, not the skin flute, well that’s not entirely true, but I became adept at playing second fiddle.

After our 9 months of being on the sly were said and done, I would wonder if I’d ever meet anyone who I could give good love to, in essence how would I know if he really loved me.

Adding confusion to my teenage mind, and according to her liner notes, that “love can be deceiving” and “don’t trust your feelings” in the chorus really threw me for a huge loop. As I did not have anyone who I could turn to that would “know about these things,” I reconciled myself to just enjoy the music bleeding through the orange sponged headphones of my Walkman.

But, she got me again with “Greatest Love of All,” as there was this thing I’d heard about called “self esteem,” which proved more elusive than the pair of parachute pants I wanted at Chess King that my mom wouldn’t buy me.

For you youngins reading this, please turn to pages 40 and 69 (nudge, wink) in your Present-Day-To-1980s-Reference-Book to look up definitions for both Chess King and parachute pants.

I wanna dance with somebody and get so emotional when love will save the day

Suffice it to say that by 1987, I hadn’t come out to my four older, and very straight, brothers, although my mom and dad were privy to that bit of information … hello, they had met me! So upon purchasing the aptly titled album Whitney, I immediately received an unsolicited ration of you-know-what from one sibling, who was incredulous that I was listening to, and enjoying the hell out of, “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me).”

Oh, did the obvious attempt to conform by having a Christie Brinkley calendar in my bedroom not have the desired affect? My brother essentially got so emotional over my musical tastes that for a nano second he made me not enjoy listening to her on my ghetto blaster.

The storm of sibling disapproval passed and I found somebody to dance with at 18, but my first boyfriend shared my brother’s disdain for Whitney’s music. I soon said, “Curb, meet Scott.”

Cut. Print. That’s a wrap!

Contrary to popular belief, I did not have my tear ducts removed because I never use them; I am still tearing up almost a week since the passing of a truly great star. Especially as I write this. Yes, I know in the past I have made my fair share of jokes at her expense, but her untimely death has made me focus on the positives of what she brought to my life.

Madonna

So, we’ve taken a hard look – sponsored in part by Viagra – at the first two installments regarding 2012’s TV shows and movies. But, this year’s musical resolutions aren’t a case of the first Gilligan’s Island theme song, in which I’m presenting an “and the rest” type of scenario.

Simply put, it’s time to put your listening ears on, which will be necessary in order to hear CDs from some old musical friends. That’s certainly not a swipe at Madonna’s upcoming endeavor, which kicks off part III in 3D.

Music to my queer ears

Adam Lambert

I’ve actually heard the demo for “Gimme All Your Luvin,” the first single from Madonna’s as-yet-titled 12th studio album, which I am hoping will round out the Like A oeuvre she has yet to finish; Like A Pickle has a ring to it.

Nicki Minaj is providing a vocal assist on the track. According to the worldwide Interweb, Mo planted a kiss on Nicki on the set of the single’s video, but not on rapper M.I.A., who was also enlisted for the track. Guess Madonna wasn’t in the mood for a Minaj a trois … add your own, ahem, rim shot.

Her Ray of Light producer William Orbit will be doing most of the heavy lifting on production (duh) on the first of a three-record deal with Interscope that netted her a cool $40 million. Oh, and she’s playing at something called The Super Bowl Feb. 5. (March)

Rufus Wainwright

Adam Lambert has titled his new CD Trespassing – hey, a person could get arrested for that! Oops, surely a sore subject for the second place American Idol alum, following an arrest for a bar fight with his boyfriend. This never would have happened to Kris Allen! Well, it could have, but then again has anyone seen or, more appropriately, heard from him, lately?

The first single, “Better Than I Know Myself,” is said to be along the lines of a ballad that Celine Dion would record. Hmm, that’s queer. (March 20)

Rufus Wainwright gets “manly” (’sup bro?) on his forthcoming album, produced by Mark Ronson. Oh really? Then why did you name it Out of the Game. It’s certainly not some sports reference about a tight end who misses the basket with his puck. Sounds more like my own days playing sports and the position I played in Little League. Well, stereotypes do have to come from somewhere. (May)

Taylor Swift

TBA

With the possible casting of Taylor Swift as Éponine in the movie adaptation of Les Misérables, her reported new CD may be a difficult sell to our kind. For those not incensed by this casting rumor, the CD is scheduled to drop in the fourth quarter.

Are you ladies sitting down? Supposedly Cher is coming out with a new CD entitled Long Overdue. Well it’s not called that, but it should be – if I could turn back time I would find a way to make her get back into the studio sooner. Oh, and she has recorded a new single “You Are The Greatest Thing To Me” that was written by someone named Lady Gaga – she kinda rings a bell – and may end up being a duet.

Have you ever tried working with your ex after the relationship has long since soured? Well, Boy George thinks it’s a good idea to reunite with Jon Moss, and the rest of the boys from Culture Club, on a new CD and it would be great if they have a major comeback. No comment.

Alex Pettyfer, Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum in Magic Mike (2012)

This year’s entertainment landscape is so schizophrenic, it had to be broken down methodically, hence my two-part strategy. You know, like Kirstie Alley at a Krispy Kreme promising herself to just look at the glazed doughnuts.

Schwing dancing

Two words oughta get you into the cineplex: Magic Mike. Here’s six more: Joe Manganiello as Big Dick Richie. You may know him better as True Blood’s studly werewolf Alcide and he may be appearing full-frontal … now where is my train of thought? Oh, it got derailed by a visual and the hope that no prosthetic penis will be used a la Boogie Nights, even though Marky Mark is involved in the project.

The Bully Project

This no-sex-in-the-champagne-room tale about male strippers also stars Channing Tatum in a life-imitating-art-imitating-life role – yes, he was a shake your moneymaker back at 19 – as he takes a younger dancer (Alex Pettyfer) under his thong, umm, wing. But, wait there’s more, if you act now we’ll also throw in Adam Rodriguez (Ugly Betty and CSI: Miami) as a fellow stripper. Rodriguez turned down a role in The Dark Knight Rises because it conflicted with him getting a cinematic rise of an altogether different nature.

Oh yeah, Matthew McConaughey is on board, but not as a bump and grinder, since his T-rex arms couldn’t pick up any dollars showered upon him if the ladies make it rain. If you need me, I’ll be in line pitching a tent – I mean … no, pitching a tent pretty much covers it – in front of a local theater. June 29.

Reel life

W.E.

There is absolutely nothing funny about the subject of bullying and its effects on those being subjected to it, whether its individuals or a community as whole, so please go see The Bully Project. We now return to Gaywatch already in progress. March 9.

Diva watch

Since Hollywood has mandated that Madonna is no longer allowed to appear on the big screen, for evidence please refer to any movie she was in except Desperately Seeking Susan, Dick Tracy, Truth Or Dare, A League Of Their Own and Evita, so what’s a material girl to do?

Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah in Joyful Noise

For the answer, check out her writing and directing on W.E., which has garnered the queen of pop’s look at King Edward VIII’s romance with American Wallis Simpson two Golden Globe noms, including Best Original Song for her song “Masterpiece” that plays at the end credits. Feb. 3.

Latifah and Parton

Dolly Parton joins Queen “I Haven’t Met the Right Man” Latifah for Joyful Noise, which is not a long-form infomercial for Beano. Rather, it’s an “Ebony and Ivory” type of story in which a black girl (Keke Palmer) and a white boy (Jeremy Jordan) join musical forces to possibly win a national choir competition. I really hope Dolly is playing the boy’s Auntie or Grandma and not his mother … talk about a late-in-life kid. Jan. 13.

Sparkle star Whitney Houston

Houston

Whitney Houston returns to the silver screen for the first time since 1996s The Preacher’s Wife.

Her new movie, Sparkle, involves a trio of sisters in a successful singing group and their subsequent dealings with fame and (wait for it) drugs. This potential celluloid comeback could spell O-S-C-A-R as ol’ Whit-Whit could hale Mary this role. God knows; she’s done her research. Aug. 10.

Ab Fab is back

Every year when the New Year begins to loom large on the final calendar page everyone is all about losing weight, exercising more, quitting their respective vices and resolving to make the upcoming year the one that will be the best ever.

Sometimes, the resolutions stick like the floor of a movie theater, while others slide off faster than a greased up stripper falling off his or her pole.

But fear not, there is an easy way to make the most out of 2012, if only in an entertaining way, and that’s by salivating over some new TV shows.

I wouldn’t drink if you didn’t upset me so mush

Ab Fab’s Patsy and Edina return to TV. Now settle down; everyone’s favorite alkie-haulics are back, beeyatches.

But, there is a catch to it – the Absolutely Fabulous 20th Anniversary Special is just that … special.

Laura Prepon as Chelsea

Well, something is better than nothing, right? Especially when it comes to Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley who will be celebrating, with champs and little nibbly things no doubt, a homecoming of one of the dynamically drunk duo.

Unfortunately, their Christmas special will not be airing in the U.S. Remember, I am just the messenger … stop throwing things at me, fruit bruises easily.

Airing Jan. 8 at 10 p.m. on BBC America – isn’t that an oxymoron?

Someone else that likes to get her swerve on, Chelsea Handler, is serving as the bartender, err, the executive producer on the from-the-page-to-the-sound stage version of NBC’s Are You There, Chelsea? That’s minus the Vodka and It’s Me from the memoir title, OK?

Since the filthy late night talk show hostess with the mostest is busy with her chit chatting on E!, Laura Prepon of That ’70s Show will portray Chelsea Newman … bet she’s glad she kept her hair dyed blonde. Newman, like her real-life counterpart, doesn’t curtail her libation intake after a DUI, she just avows to never drink and drive again. It’s called progress people!

Oh, and Handler will be onscreen as the other Chelsea’s older sister Sloane. Plus, Prepon’s former ’70s costar, Wilmer Valderrama, will guest star on a future episode. Wednesdays at 8:30 p.m., starting Jan. 11.

ABC’s Good Christian Belles (G.C.B.)

G to the A to the Y

NBC’s Smash, which is pronounced with several more s’s sssister, doesn’t sound all that gay. Psyche! It’s a more mature take on Glee – hey that’s what’s been said about it, I love me some immature Glee – with Will & Grace’s Debra Messing (gay) about the staging of a Broadway musical based on Marilyn Monroe’s life (double gay). It also features Megan Hilty as the star of the showtune extravaganza, Katharine McPhee and Anjelica Huston as the latest big screen star to give the small screen a go. Begins Feb. 16 at 10 p.m.

Are you down with G.C.B.? Yeah, you know me. Word. But, what you may not know about this upcoming sitcom is that it had the acronym from its book source material of Good Christian Bitches, until it became Good Christian Belles. What did Rick Perry in his Brokeback Mountain jacket tell ABC that the title shouldn’t openly serve in primetime? Smooth move Ex-Lax.

Anyhow, the skinny on this show is that it probably has more homo street cred than Perry would be comfortable with … look for his subsequent foot tapping arrest sometime in the future. Starts March 4.

Stuff and thangs

One goal that is very attainable is to not watch Work It… a cross-dressing for the sake of employment comedy… didn’t they stop making crap like this in the ’80s? Hey, at least that decade’s similarly premised Bosom Buddies had Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari seeking housing as women. This one stars Benjamin Koldyke as a not-so-passable lady person and does bring Prison Break papi Amaury Nolasco back to the small screen. I have a feeling it will be a short reunion, as the network only has two episodes in the can …just where it was created and belongs.

Fox’s Alcatraz

Airs Tuesday Jan. 3 … you’ve been warned.

Do you miss Lost? Sure, we all do! Then check out ABC’s The River and Fox’s Alcatraz starting Feb. 7 and Jan. 16 , as both are looking to fill that vacated slot.

Down the road, we have the Dallas reboot on TNT in the summer with the slurp-worthy Jesse Metcalf and Josh Henderson as Bobby and J.R. Ewing’s offspring. And Ricki you-wuz-robbed-girl-on-‘Dancing With The Stars’ Lake has a new talk show set to debut in September. Hopefully, it will be as trashy as her last one.

It’s that time of year again, when our attention turns to how homo-worthy some past yuletide specials have been. Well, at least mine does.

Yes, we have been made aware that Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and his sidekick Hermie the Elf were super gay. Or that A Year Without a Santa Claus’ two brothers, Heat Miser and Snow Miser, are big ole musical theater queens. It may come as no surprise that the word for the day on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special should have been expanded to a full sentence, as in “bend over and take all that gay in.” Now for the rest of the day whenever anyone says the secret phrase – which you know you will undoubtedly hear at some point this Holiday season – just scream real loud … into a pillow.

OK, with those known facts that I have taken my own brand of liberties to … may I present to you some ideas for new and wonderful specials, with that Gaywatch touch, that have been kicking around my egg-noggin? Oh really, does creativity frighten you? Put it on your wish list of things to ask Santa for, and quit your griping already.

Variety is the spice of life

Every once in awhile we are, well, I guess “treated”, to some of the rather interesting choices that have sprung up as variety specials, like The Star Wars Holiday Special, or A Solid Gold Christmas 1982 … let the spandex and Christmas spirit fingers commence.

And just this past Turkey Day there was A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. Yes, when I think of that holiday, my mind naturally turns to Gaga, if only to wonder if she had made a dress out of her leftovers.

Check your local made-up listings for this sure-to-please special, Ricky Martin: The Fortunate Homosexual Man, which takes its inspiration from The Little Drummer Boy, but has the Latin crooner trying to make Christmas miracle believers out of a group of disheartened drag queens.

When he sings “come they told me, shake your bon bon. Shall I sing for him, shake your bon bon bon bon bon” you will believe that a Fortunate Homosexual Man can fly, err, polarize a community with his holiday spirit. Tear. Sniffle.

The Real Housewives: Holidays on Spite is a first for Bravo, and no, that’s not because they have decided not to rerun the hell out of it, OK? Rather this one-hour special will feature every current R.H. and harkens back to the days of roller derby; but there’s one slight change … they will pull wigs, call names and cackle like hens at each other on the ice. But there is no face smashing, especially for the ladies of Beverly Hills. There’s so much filler and botox in their mugs, perhaps they wouldn’t even feel it, well, they would if one of them gets tackled by Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes.

CBS’ Oy Gay may be hosted by its two openly gay actors, Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons, but the real stars of the show are Adam Lambert and Harvey Fierstein who sing Stephen Sondheim tunes that receive musical accompaniment by Dave Koz; while their sketches about those eight days and nights are written by Bruce Vilanch with directors Todd Haynes and Brian Singer handling the filming. Yes, they are all Jewish; it’s called reading and it’s fundamental.

Not to be outdone, Fox will be airing A Hanukkah Bush With All The Trimmings starring the sapph-tastic Sandra Bernhard.

Reunited and it feels so good

Much like the awe-inspiring A Very Brady Christmas that aired in 1988, a former TV favorite is coming back to the tube for a one-off telepic.

Why its Queer As Folk: Don We Now Our Assless Chaps, which has the boys back for more good times, and explaining the meaning of Christmas, in the back room of their new leather bar hangout, Crisco Dan’s.

Animation Domination

Two of Tinsel Town’s most troubled souls, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, are finding gainful employment with an animated flair.

First up is The Playboy Channel’s first ever cartoon venture, wistfully titled Charlie Sheen’s Winter Wonderland that follows a Christmas day in the life of ole Chuckles, as he and his goddesses do mass amounts of cocaine, and maybe he’ll get into a knife fight with ex Brooke Mueller. Good times.

Over on Public Access Cable, Lindsay will capitalize on her two big 2011 ventures, failure and disappointment, with I’ll Be Under House Arrest For Christmas. The beleaguered “actress” – you have to be in a movie to be that – will be transformed into a claymation version of herself (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings) and will attempt to hawk herself to the highest bidder; like that Beezid.com commercial she did during her earlier house arrest this year. This time around special guests such as her dad and Samantha Ronson, drop by – the latter to serve her with a restraining order. Sponsored in part by Clamato.

I’ll take CDs and songs for $100

Seeing as Justin Bieber is capitalizing on his teen idol popularity with his Xmas album a number of artists who appeal to that particular demographic and gay men alike – sure, those are wholly separate things – are peopling iTunes with their own brand of holiday cheer.

There’s Katy Perry: Back To Bethlehem, on which the “The One That Got Away” singer goes back to her Christian rock roots, and belts out the album’s biggest hit, her rendition of the Tammy Wynette classic, “Let’s Put Christ Back In Christmas.”

NKOTBBSBNSBNWJT is a boy band extraordinaire venture of combining New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync But Not With Justin Timberlake as they represent, via song, all of the December holidays with their hit single, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmaskkahzaa.”

The Stockings Were Hung features your favorite well-endowed porn stars of the past and present, from Jeff Stryker to Michael Lucas, as they do their own spoken word poems set to porn music composed by Barry Manilow. This total package deal includes a DVD, and a pop-up book.

Cut. print. That’s a wrap!

Wow, you really can’t take me anywhere, and yes, I’ll probably burn in hell for putting these visions of sugar plum, uh, fairies in your head. And I am sure that Barbra Streisand’s version of “Jingle Bells” will be playing on an endless loop there, much to my horror. What? Is my gay card on fire? Nope, the heat I feel is from the seventh layer reaching out to me. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.

'Gay' African Penguins, Buddy (left) and Pedro (right). // PHOTO: NYDailyNews.com

Over the last month, animal activists have mounted concern over the separation of Buddy and Pedro, two male partner penguins at the Toronto Zoo who have been estranged for breeding. The two ‘love birds’ have had quite a past; Buddy, 21, used to have a female partner for “quite a few years” before meeting Pedro, 10, at the Toronto Zoo. Later, after the heterosexual birds were separated, Buddy and Pedro began exhibiting courtship and mating rituals only ordinarily seen between male and female.

Zookeepers have split the two to pair them each with females to help populate the endangered species. When breeding season is over, however, the zookeepers will eventually return the African penguins to the same enclosure. As Tom Mason, Toronto Zoo curator of birds explains, “if Buddy and Pedro want to be together … they will be back together.”

Although Pedro and Buddy will eventually be reunited, it’s a toss-up as to whether or not the two will want to be together again. P. Dee Boersma, a biology professor at the University of Washington, explains that after successful mating and production of an egg, it’s rare for a penguin to get “divorced” from its mate. If a “divorce” does happen, it’s generally on account of failing to raise their young.

“They are much more likely to divorce after a nest failure than if they are successful with their mate,” Boersma explains. “Those birds will tend to be faithful.”

Another factor in whether or not penguins can become life partners is whether or not they “get along.”

“The way penguins work is they do get paired for a long time. Basically, the only other penguin they care about is their mate, so it’s important for them to find somebody who’s compatible,” said Kevin McGowan of the Cornell Laboratory of Ornithology in a statement to ABC News.

Kat Dennings and Nick Zano in CBS’s 2 Broke Girls

The fall TV season is in full swing and some of the shows have already been strung up in a hangman’s noose, but they haven’t left viewers twisting in the wind about their ability to hold us enraptured. It has truly been a case of survival of the fittest, and some series have been gone in the blink of an eye.

Some almost as fast as Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’ marriage. Hopefully, E! can stop rerunning its favorite four-hour time-killer special about Kim’s fairytale wedding. Well, she did marry a slow-on-the-draw giant, who will also be featured on the upcoming Kourtney and Kim Take New York that airs in November.

Which was also the case concerning the Charlie’s Angels reboot; it was just a big steaming pile of brown expletive and not something one would want to cop to watching … or to kick it old school and quote Blaine Edwards (Damon Wayans) and Antoine Merriweather (David Alan Grier) of the “Men On” sketches on In Living Color, “Hated it!” Hey wait, I am not too far off the mark with my usage of said saying, as Fox is planning on bringing the sketch comedy show back for two mid-season specials. So there, and you’re welcome!

Wow, this intro could serve as a The More You Know PSA. Speaking of being in the know, perhaps you’ll find a show that, ahem, makes the grade to claim as a newfound favorite, if it isn’t already.

Girls, girls, girls

2 Broke Girls has the gay street credibility of having Michael Patrick King as one of its creators on its side. You may be familiar with his name as being the executive producer and writer and director of Sex and the City in its small and big screen incarnations. So, if you aren’t still mad at him for the sequel, you can check out the under funded twosome on CBS.

The two leads (Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs) are trying to make ends meet by being waitresses and sharing an apartment together. So, it’s a pretty safe bet that our sapphic sisters are tuning in to see the old sitcom standby of, will they or won’t they. And, I’ll bet many a gay man has been certain that Behrs’ character is named Carol Channing, as opposed to Caroline Channing. We hear what we want to hear, apparently.

Grade: C, for Coolidge. No, that’s not the latest urban-type slang word meaning “great,” it is to be used in the context of actress Jennifer Coolidge (Best in Show, Legally Blonde and American Pie) … actually great would apply to this hilarious comedienne, which should translate well to her recurring role as Sophie, a neighbor of the broke ass ladies.

Fox’s New Girl stars Zooey Deschanel as the titular estrogen-based life form, who moves in with three guys she meets on craigslist after a bad breakup. Hmm, sounds like somebody may have been a gay man in a previous life.

As Jess, Deschanel puts the q in quirky and offers viewers a sort of modern day Mary Tyler Moore Show. Albeit she doesn’t have to make it on her own, as she has the aforementioned roomies played by Jake M. Johnson, Lamorne Morris and Max Greenfield – who has played gay in previous roles on Greek and Happy Endings, and is playing it straight here, often times shirtless. Also, she has a sassy best friend in Hannah Simone’s CeCe character. I’ll let them hash out as to who’s the Mary and who’s the Rhoda, much like Romy and Michele did for their High School Reunion.

Zooey Deschanel and Jake M. Johnson in Fox’s New Girl

Grade: A, as in A good time had by All. Get it? Because it’s receiving an A … yeah jokes aren’t funny when you have to explain them.

Wagon training

Three of my absolute new favorite shows, Ringer, Revenge and American Horror Story on The CW, ABC and FX respectively, make me wonder if they will get beyond their first season promises and avoid the pitfalls of this quote from 1986s Stand By Me: “Wagon Train’s a really cool show, but do you ever notice they don’t really get anywhere? They just keep wagon-training.” AHS has already been picked up for a second season.

I really hope that Emily Thorne (Emily VanCamp) and her quest to seek revenge on Madeline Stowe’s Victoria Grayson and her TV husband Conrad (aka Henry Czerny) and everyone in their Hamptons circle can make for an equally intriguing second season.

Grade B: B is for Boys, as this show has a lot of cute ones on it, including: Connor Paolo, Nick Weschler, Ashton Holmes and especially Joshua Bowman as Daniel Grayson. He’s hot with a capital H!

While Ringer doesn’t have the guy quotient going for it, the series does feature gay fave Sarah Michelle Gellar and a former cast mate from Lost (Nestor Carbonell) that has a penchant for guy liner. It also features Gellar as twins, and her Bridget Kelly character has taken on more than her fair share of covering the fact that her sister Siobhan has “committed suicide” during a “boat ride.” Those who have seen the pilot know what I mean.

Grade: A for its ability to temporarily make me suspend my belief.

No, I will not be applauding the creative efforts (and badly done execution) of ABC’s Once Upon A Time, or that other fairy tale show Grimm on NBC, as they would receive a D. Nope, that’s not for dandy, but for didn’t grab my interest enough.

However, there is a very well done, and very scary addition to my already jam packed viewing schedule in American Horror Story. And that would be Glee creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk’s latest foray into turning the TV set on their collective heads.

Albeit, it’s much more frightening than their musical comedy’s undying love for all things show tunes this season and it delivers on its MA content being rightfully deserved. It’s almost like a hybrid of The X-Files meets Twin Peaks, but stands on its own merit.

Gabriel Mann and Emily VanCamp in ABC’s Revenge

And good for Jessica Lange, who plays the very odd neighbor Constance, for not having plastic surgery and aging naturally. She’s no Jo-Jo-Joker Face, to paraphrase Lady Gaga.

Grade: D for Dylan McDermott’s nude scenes in the first episode, as was further illustrated during his special “alone time.”

Cut. Print. That’s a wrap!

Phew, those endless hours spent ruining my eyes have hopefully paid off in informing you of what shows you should be watching. How I suffer for my art. And, yes, I took some liberties in my grading curve, as I would term these shows as prime grade A television. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.